If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting
them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no
good reason."

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of
something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says,
"Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult
operator, I bet the most common question people would ask
is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry.
That's as far as it shoots."

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And
he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's
carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.And also, you're drunk.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not
our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is
crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because
of something you did."

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh.But then I think, what if I
was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite
so funny.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose
king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are
some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the
lemons.(maybe by shoving them down his throat).

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so
bummed ou that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years,
because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more
money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary.
I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the
time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to
red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world
without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world,
because they'd never expect it.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right
there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like
to read good books.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy
looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait.
I guess that's like a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes
was not putting on your armor because you were "just going
down to the corner."

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your
horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back
and the guy was reading a magazine.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they
believe me?

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is,
don't run with a wooden stake.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down
in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm
outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy,
I'm glad I'm not out in that."

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be
over here, looking through your stuff.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy
sure owed me a lot of money."

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a
fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then
you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and
her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you
stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those
ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito
sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.